love and marriage

romance today is nothing like i thought it would be.
nothing like i want it to be.
the world's demands on romance anyway.

i've been noticing a lot in movies and among my close friends
how flippantly people see romance.
maybe flippant is an inappropriate term...
or maybe it looks flippant to me because
i just take it all too seriously.
the latter could explain why i was on the verge
of an anxiety attack when i went to dinner with a boy thursday night.
[ which i assume he will read this. and i mean nothing ill towards you.
i had a fabulous time after i calmed down ]
but ive been feeling so much pressure lately to not be single anymore.
when really, im completely fine by myself.
i rather enjoy being a singular being.
i guess i'm at a decent point in my life
when i feel like i have time for all the things important to me.
i have time for work, school, leisure, family, friends, theater, church.
[ not that i put them in that order at all ]'
i don't know though.
im not sure i have a proper gauge in my life of what is typical
or a mark i am looking to hit. no real, attainable, near finish line.
i know i want to eventually get married, but im not in a hurry like i used to be.
i have the goal of finishing school, but two years seems like such a long time.
and the road i think i should take to get what i think i want....
well, it just doesn't seem realistic at all.

i mean really.

really?

who wants to just be friends first anymore?
who wants to meet my dad before they ask me out?
who wants their families to be closer than friends?
who wants unquestionable purity in their romance?
who wants to work together to fulfill the vision of an Almighty God who planned our lives before the creation of the universe?
who wants to strive to be the example of Christ as the head and the church as the body?
i want to. i want to. i want to.
who wants it to not be easy...
who wants to fight through good times and bad to let God be glorified in their romance?
who wants to love all or nothing?
i want to. i want to. I MUST! I MUST!

i just wont settle for anything less.
and if that means no one else, then fine.
ill be single. forever.
Jesus is enough for me.
and it would save me from many awkward and anxious situations. lol.

He is enough for me....        right?
we all say that. but if He is [which i am assured that HE is more than enough]
then why do i still struggle?
then why do i daydream?
then why do i long for romance?
argh. this seems like such an endless cycle.

but if Jesus is hope, then there has got to be something.
something more to all of this than i am seeing.
i am determined to find out what HE sees.
i must look past my own desires and wishes
and seek HIS KINGDOM above all things.
because the reality of the situation is,
nothing is worth my life or time but
HIS KINGDOM COME, HIS WILL BE DONE!!!

that's what i really want.
anybody with me? at all?
or am i on an island?

hope vs. cynicism

the first is so rare in our generation and the second so prevalent.
i think that's because everyday we are faced with difficult situations that seem hopeless to the human mind and it's easier to shrug heartache and disappointment off by expecting it from others.

its harder to hope that people can change and keep hope alive that things will someday be better.
its harder to believe that even though the world is in a state of upheaval, the Prince of Peace is coming back to wipe it all away and sweep His beloved up into eternity in the blink of an eye.
its harder to have faith in people and the Holy Spirit at work in the earth.

personally.
its harder for me to hope there is a good man out there for me (shallow and pathetic i know)
its harder for me to believe that life can get any better that thsi mundane circle it has become
its harder for me to have faith that Jesus is faithful to complete the good work He has begun in me.
its easier to resign myself to a miserable life of self depravity and mental self-abuse currently associated with my single life.
its easier to resign myself to always struggling to make ends meet and find excitement in everyday life.
its easier to resign myself to remaining the faithless, prideful, controlling, mean, impatient person i am know and claim cheap grace that always says "His mercies are new every morning".

but at the same time...
its harder to resign myself to accepting less. because i know better.
i guess i know a little something about the Kingdom of God, but i certainly know enough to know that i am not meant to remain in the state of misery (however self induced it may be). i know enough to know that God is good and His plans are to prosper me and not to harm me. He plans to give me a hope and a future in and with Him. i know enough to know that the God I serve is faithful to wake up and calm the storm even when i am cowering in fear of the waves and calling His name when I could stand up and stop the crashing in His name. i know enough about His Kingdom to know that it will never end and ultimately, Jesus has overcome this world... so i have every reason out of the world to hope that He can make things better. every reason to hope that He can restore the backslidden and save the lost in this terrible looking world we call earth. every reason to expect great and wonderful things in my life as long as i keep Him as my focus and prize.

so i'll hope even when it seems hopeless.
so i'll trust even when it looks naive.
so i'll believe even when it sounds impossible.
and i'll love even when its not perfect.
because Jesus is my King, and He deserves better from me.

american culture = lies

the call dc

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who wants to go with me?

my new friend

his name is art.

i met him at an audition today.
even though i was only there for 2 minutes because the audition is actually next weekend.

Jesus makes me laugh sometimes.